New Father's Survival Kit #10: A Cool-Ass Father-In-law

I shit you not. My father-in-law made this.

Holy shit, right? Motherfucker! Three letters for you... L ... S ... D ...

The Father-in-Law, whom we shall call The Matrix! from here on in, made this in Photoshop and posted it on his fucking Facebook. That's him, and my mother-in-law, like three Jurassic Periods ago, when they got married. And he put this space-age organic white arboretum around them and set them on another planet, the planet, FunnyPixel, and he's like, YUP, A DAY'S WORK IS DONE. (I'm waiting for a version with Montana Wildhack in it!)

Look out ghost of Rauchenberg... There's another mad genius down in Florida making some kick-ass art. I mean, you bring that shit up to New York, and I swear, he'd be making serious dough and banging some serious art groupies (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE..., YES, YOU...)

I mean, look at that thing!!!

And The Matrix! is doing all this sans LSD. For reals. This is just how his motherboard is wired. This is natural. I mean, sure, I think he's taking the Lipitor and whatever else old folks take to keep themselves practically immortal these days.

But I mean, is that not the coolest motherfucking thing you have seen in a while.

Yup, that's my father-in-law, The Matrix!

New Father's Survival Kit #9: Religion

There's no day I dread more than the day, sometime in his 15th year, when the Life Force Sucker comes home from some kibbutz in Israel and tells me he has found GOD. And then says, "by the way," just as he introduces me to his new Jewhoney, Tova. ( I picture her with a pretty face, suntanned shoulders, and big feet. I don't know why!)

That's right. I dread the day that my son becomes a SETTLER, one of those damn, intolerable Brooklyn Jews who goes to Israel and finds GOD and throws their Uzi-armed body on the tracks of the PEACE PROCESS, derailing the PEACE TRAIN...

...But back to this Tova girlfriend of his. She will look and smell like a flower child, braids in her hair, leather sandals on her aforementioned biggish feet, she will wear some kind of woven hippie purse. Eau de Patchouli will waft from her unshaven armpits. But her peacenik look will confuse me, because she will actually HATE PEACE. She will do things like call Palestinians "animals." She will be loudly thankful for the support the US gives Israel, which allows the Jewish State to amass one hell of a motherfucking Defense Force.

How embarrassing, no! To have Jews behave like this! Why can't all Jews just be funny like Woody Allen! Or be sex maniacs like Philip Roth! Why do some have to be such rabid Zionists? Oy vey!

Now, here's the God's honest truth, I would rather the Life Force Sucker come out to me as a post-op transexual than have him come home sporting paes. This is the truth! Good God! Have mercy!

So why do new fathers need "religion?" Here's why... You need a little bit of religion to innoculate your respective Life Force Suckers early on in their little life force sucking lives. Otherwise, you risk them going off and "finding" religion themselves... But if you forcefeed them some GOD early on, then they'll see how shamtastic religion is, and they'll develop the antibodies to defeat any and all would-be messiahs or prostylatizers.

So remember that new fathers. Just a dose of God... a weakened strain.