Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Dear 22-yr-old Italianate Beauty Who Just Started in the Office

Hey there... You're new... And I've noticed you noticing me noticing you... Got that?

Anyway, yes, I've been running around here, with my files and folders, barking orders, talking about deadlines... I'm the project manager guy, yes... And I see from your cubicle, outside this VP's door, that you're the new assistant. Nice to finally meet you...

My name is Mr. Unit Parental. Now, let me flash you the wallpaper of my iphone. Yeah, that little guy in the Obama shirt is the Life Force Sucker. Why, thank you. Yes, he is cute. I guess, well, I'm just endowed with the genetic material needed to create devastatingly cute offspring.Yup...

So you just started here, huh? Just graduated from SUNY Stony Brook. Congrats!

...So this is your first job out of college, eh? And you're 22? Well, you got your whole life in front of you... You live in Park Slope? Go figure... With your boyfriend, eh? Yeah, well, you're young, and, if I can says so, I'm sure this boyfriend of yours is a good guy. But, really, this guy might not be the be-all. He might just be a way station in your long life to come. I mean, um, all I'm saying is, I'm taking a survey of the landscape--uh huh--and I got to tell you, you got a long road ahead of you. And why peg yourself to one driving partner this early on. If anything, now is the time for you to, well, live a little wild, to live FREE & WILD. To be young... You get what I'm saying.

Anyway, I'll talk to you later, nice to meet you.

L8R in the Week

Hey, what's going on? How you liking it here? Yeah, the people are really nice. What you working on? Excel eh? Well, if you need any tips, I am the Excel master. As a project manager, you know, I make all kinds of lists. To-do lists, asset lists, all kinds o' lists. So if you need help just holla...

(Think to self but do not say: Did anyone ever tell you, btw, you look like a young Monica Belluci? You're so fresh-faced, so rosy-cheeked, I'm just gonna stand here and smile at you for a second, and drink in your YOUTH and WIDE OPEN FUTURE... Nothing wrong with that, right?...)

Oh, I took some new pics of the Life Force Sucker. Here, let me show you once again my iphone... Here he is murdering a lollipop... Here he is on a swing in the playground... Here he is standing in front of the seals at the zoo...

Yeah, you wanna have kids one day? Well, like I said before, you got the whole world in front of you. How about you travel first? Have some adventures, get your fill of experiences... Now is the time to live FREE...

EVEN L8R - Like The Next Week

Hey there again. What floor you going to? Here, I got it. Hey, did anyone ever tell you you look like Phoebe Cates, in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. What's Fast Times? It's a movie! You mean, you haven't seen it? It's a classic. It was made in 1982...

Oh, sure, you weren't even born yet! ha ha ha...

Anyway, you got to rent that movie. Netflix it. But I swear, you look just like her. And my other favorite character from that movie is the guy Judge Reinhold played. Yeah, you just got to see it.

Anyway, yeah, my project is going a-okay. It's not without hiccups. You know, websites, technology. Code... Well, this is my floor. Got to go.

EVEN L8R - Later in That Week...

Hey, where you been? What's up... Hey... Um... Okay, see you later.

What's up with the cold shoulder? OUCH!!!! Hey, it's just me, Mr. Unit Parental. Mr. Harmless Older Dude at the Office.

Dear 22-yr-old Italianate Beauty Who Just Started in the Office...


Hey there. What happened? Where's the bashful smile? What about our ritualistic chitchat? I got some new pics of the Life Force Sucker...

What's this awkwardness? All I'm saying is, hi there... Wassup? I'm just passing the time, harmlessly. I mean, I'm sorry if I, well, like talking to you, about life. I have to admit: I like gawking at your WIDE OPEN FUTURE, at your GLOWING YOUTH. At all the GLORIOUS POSSIBLE PATHS still open to you in your young life. Is that so bad? Is it?

So, please, come on back, talk to me. It's just me. Mr. Unit Parental... Project Manager Dude at the office...

Think of me as an older-brother figure

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