Thursday, July 2, 2009

Underemployed Neighborhood Dad Available for Odd & Dirty Jobs

Underemployed neighborhood dad, congenial, thorough, available for sweaty yard work while your earner husband (I.E., boring, stressed out, un-handy, limp-dicked) travels to Manhattan for work. So take advantage of this local dad, who has a green thumb on his rough, manly hands and then some. He is good with flowers, has gentle touch with petals, and can make your orchid bloom like it was an 8’X10’ Georgia O’Keefe. But can wrestle with vines and ivy, too, plus, when it comes to fruit, was a prize-winning squash grower before molting exurb self for cool hip version of his persona, which he groomed and crafted here, in the Land of the Gowanus.

Also, has strong back capable of repetitive heavy lifting, to clear out, for example, the unfinished, underutilized, and absolutely aching basement space of your BIG HOUSE. Can manhandle old dressers, half-filled paint cans, rusting bicycles, all the way up those rough and creakingcreakingcreaking basement steps. If you like, you can of course partake in the surely sweaty, straining labor of getting that woeful, mournful, and absolutely aching neglected basement space back into LIVING shape.

Also, this dad is not above so-called “womanly” chores such as turning sheets, or running a bath. In fact, has preternatural ability to make water just hot enough to make you go hmmm but not so hot as to scald or hurt, a nuance your creepy and weird earner husband cannot grasp. (That narcissistic hair-puller.) Can also clean a bathroom like nobody’s business; will get down on hands and knees and work on that grout until it absolutely glistens. That grout will, in fact, glisten so bright that cosmonauts will be able to see it from the steamed-up portholes of the International Space Station.

Can also cook you a hot meal and store rest in freezer in serving-sized portions, so during this hectic and hot summer when you will surely have your hands full with hectic and hot and sweaty CHORES, you can, whenever you should desire, simply stick your hand in the icy freezer and get your fill. Your earner husband will be unwittingly and unknowingly impressed by your hot, inspired cooking of fresh and lush meals and, especially!, your suddenly innovative use of those boring old ingredients.

So, for help around the house, for sweaty yard or dirty basement work, for a fresh take on those tired, old recipes, for grout shining so bright the NAKED EYE can see it from outermotherfuckingspace, email:

unitparental at hotmail dot com

Reasonable rates. Discreet.

The Unit Guarantee: You will recommend him to all of your fellow mom friends.


  1. This is too hot. I just sat down for my naptime break and now I am overheated.

  2. this would make an awesome profile. please post it with this image,

    swarms of ladies would be flooding in...

  3. You're going to get calls from ladies in need of help with their orchids from all over. Have fun with that.

  4. An 8'x10' O'Queef? Paging Dr. Freud.