Sunday, February 1, 2009

New Father's Survival Kit #6: A Nazgul Army

Yes, young father, you need a ringwraith army of your own, a la Lord of the Rings fame.

Why oh why could you possibly need a Nazgul Army of your own? Simply put, these soul-sucking dreadnoughts of evil are the only beings powerful enough to actually deal with all the Gandalf's in your life.

You know them, these Gandalf's. At certain points in your life, you have been surrounded by them...

Perhaps you first encountered one on some beach in Bali, when you were over there after college "discovering yourself." And one muggy afternoon on the beach, as you were putting the moves on some tattooed marijuana-besotted beauty from Italy, there he appeared, silhouetted blindingly by the Southeast Asian sun. There he was, cutting in on your Eurotrash action.

F'ing Gandalf. With his flowing technicolor robes, the white ponytail, the white goat-tee, the frickin' silver toe ring he got in Deli. This dude was, inevitably, from some rosy part of the West Coast. He was, also, full of shit and, predictably, full of himself. Perhaps he made his money on some lucky investment; perhaps he got in early on Microsoft stock; more likely, he inherited it. And well, there he was now, ruining your party.

Emaciated, a dope-addict, a yoga fanatic, with a grizzled white mane, he has spent his empty childless life watching sunsets and doing fuck-all. And now, he was going to regal you with his life story. For the next nine hours on that beach, he would also tell you how the world would be running much better if only he, Gandalf, were made benevolent emperor of ALL. But alas, here he is on the beach, toes in the sand, renting some shack for $.50 a day because material things aren't important to him anyway.

Go to any Third World beach where the hashish is cheap, from Goa to Ko Pha Ng, and you'll find these self-righteous shit-for-brains Gandalfs. These big-talkers of NOTHINGNESS. These experts on following every whim of their infantile souls.


You might, dear reader, not even have to travel far and wide to run into a Gandalf. You might even be related to one. Perhaps your uncle is a ne'erdowell never-married-nobody perpetual adolescence kind of guy. And now, because his life has revealed itself to be an empty and shallow pool, he talks your ear off whenever he sees you... He complains about all his free time, about how he's got no one to spend his millions on, about how he's sick and tired of taking vacation after sunny vacation with his on-again off-again physical trainer girlfriend.

Why is life so empty?

And you sit there during Thanksgiving dinner, biting your tongue and not saying, Your life is empty because you CHOSE to make it empty, because an empty life is an uncomplicated life for the three most important people in your life: YOU, YOU, and YOU! ...

So you see, young father, you need a ringwraith army, to chase away these knuckleheaded Gandalf's, these aging preening queen-men of perpetual childhoodocity!

Gandalf welcoming committee

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