Monday, February 9, 2009

New Father's Survival Kit #7: Snip Snip

So, having a Life Force Sucker has been hell on your marriage, hell on your self-esteem, hell on the carefree, self-centered Brooklyn life you had built for yourself. Ditto goes for your Mrs. Unit Parental. But alas, at some point shortly after the Life Force Sucker's second birthday, the CALL OF THE WILD will ring out loudly in your Mrs. Unit Parental's soul.

And thus, therefore, ergo, she will, after spending two years fawning over the little one, and neglecting you... she will suddenly give you come-hither eyes again.

Yes, she will want another Life Force Sucker. She will want a sequel. And oddly, so might you, my fellow Brooklyn daddy (how do you think we became TOP ROACH on planet earth?...). Hence, I suggest a preemptive strike against this all-too-human desire to have more kids ... Hence, I suggest a secret vasectomy. No one has to know except your physician. Sure, after a few anguished months pass, you will be forced to take that little test entailing a private room and the specimen cup. But the results really will only go to you. You can tell Mrs. Unit Parental all is A-Okay.

This may sound deceptive and dastardly. But really, what choice do you have!!!??? Otherwise, suffer the fate of one of my neighborhood friends, Ahab (name changed). Ahab is your typical Brooklynite; he came from elsewhere; he has gentrified our fine neighborhood with his post-grad'umacated presence. You can find him on any given Sunday, going to our local Anarchist cafe, with his two kids. He has the older one in a stroller, and the younger one strapped to him like a bandoleer. Look at his stooped and defeated gait. Look at the sheer and utter hopelessness that pervades his countenance. He is, in common parlance, a total freakin' GONNER.

For months he has been volunteering to write me a guest blog post that "will destroy the myths about having more than one kid." For example, he has told me that the biggest myth about having multiple offspring is the belief that "the kids will watch each other." But really, he says, a three year old can barely be trusted to watch his or her own bladder! How is he/she going to take care of a younger sibling. He also brings up the very good point that, once you have more than one kid, you are basically switching defenses--from zone to man-to-man. And with two kids, you can no longer "take shifts." One parent cannot cover for the other if, for example, one falls ill, or sustains some kind of injury. You have to, in other words, play hurt...

I was so looking forward to Ahab's guest blog. But get this: the poor soul doesn't have time to write it. Because if one child is a vortex of TIME, two is a super mega colossal black hole of time and energy.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here, suckas.

So what I'm saying is, snip snip.


  1. A secret vasectomy is dismissal, right up there with cheating... Plus, there's always adoption and all the fertility treatments you'll have to pay for in vain just too keep up the charade... Shame on you! I'd never forgive you.

  2. Melissa, yes, it would be grounds for dismissal. And it is up there with cheating. I agree with you.

    Regarding adoption, well, I think this is a good and selfless choice, actually. Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire? See it, and you will witness what need there is in the world for adoption. The movie will rip your heart out of your chest and tear it up into little pieces and then do a Bollywood jig on it.

    But we don't adopt, do we? We don't adopt enough. Everyone wants to clone themselves outright... This sad fact makes you ponder human nature, don't you? What are we driven by?